Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I can't help it!

I am not typically a jealous person but when I feel cheated I am. I don't care if it is petty to others or even being selfish. It is how I feel and nothing will change that.

In April I was to accompany both brothers, their wives, and their children for a trip to Disneyland. Life happens and things kept getting pushed back leaving us without the time so trip was canceled. It sucked but it happens. So we decide December is a must do for us all and right around our birthdays. The trip will be special on so many levels -

* Elizabeth's and Chase's first Disneyland trip
* Mine and Dan's first trip with Emma to Disneyland
* Our first trip all together (all 3 of us kids and our families)
* The first time in many years I have celebrated my birthday (the last day of the trip will be my birthday)
* Captain EO reopened after Michael Jacksons death so this will be the first time we will all see it since it closed but we get to take out families to enjoy it
* The first Christmas we have ever spent at Disneyland despite living an hour away for 17yrs

Why I no longer feel it is special

* Elizabeth went this week instead on a last minute trip. No matter how someone candy coats it you will never relive a first time so don't try to make it better
* They are all going to see Captain EO
* It has become a week long birthday celebration for everyone going which is absolutely ridiculous
* Chase will have his first time at Disneyland nearly a week before we arrive in CA
* Anthony and Nikki will not be there for my birthday but I will celebrate Anthony's (this is due to work scheduling)
* They are having a special belated birthday celebration for the girls

Things would have been different if things were planned out this way instead of a last minute trip. To go I would have had to have my own car and my own hotel room. Whether intended or not I would have become the nanny and spent a lot of time waiting for everyone else to get off the big rides. Plus I would have missed Phillips first day of school. May be the 11th grade but still the first day of the 11th grade. Not a lot of fun.

It doesn't help that not long before this was Elizabeth's first birthday. I did all I could to spend a little time with her at the zoo (where her birthday party was held) and all I got was 2 minutes to hold her while she got cleaned up. I even tried to kiss her bye and she was pulled away from me while doing so. Every time I got close to her someone was pulling her or preventing her from seeing me. It starts to feel personal after awhile.

I just feel like I am getting sloppy seconds and nobody cares how I feel. If they are so determined that I do not get those firsts them maybe they should come right out and say it. At least I know where I stood and can learn to accept it.

These special moments are very special to me and I just want to be part of them. I don't need to take them over. Just be part of it. Is it really too much to ask? Apparently so.

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