Grey before my time

There are moments as mothers we think quietly to ourselves that we are not doing the best we can for our children. Those times may be when they are screaming at us for not getting the right cereal, refusing to clean their room, throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store, a failing grade at school. Parents of special needs children may encounter this feeling several times in a short period.

I am the parent of a teenager with severe ADHD and a few learning disabilities. There are times I know he can't help doing what he does but I get to the point where I feel as though I have not done enough. I sit back and know its not my fault or his fault for that matter. That does not dissolve the feeling of failure.

A youtube video was recently posted displaying an incredible outburst by a teenager who lost his online game privileges (you can search for mom cancels warcraft account). Everyone kept commenting how it was staged and was not real. The main reason it was believed to be fake was because nobody could believe a teenager could be that angry. The sad part is my child has been that angry and emotioanl at times. To me it was reality hitting me in the face. To others it was hilarious and fake.

Even when I look back at the times I am ready to pull at the hair dye to conceal my age, I am reminded of all the wonderful things I am proud of. I am proud he is outgoing, creative, silly, intelligent, a good cook. I hear from parents how he is so polite and well behaved. Those are the moments I am reassured I have done my job.

I am not the perfect mother but I do my very best. I am there when he is ill. I am spending the night when he is in the hospital. I am there to cheer on his sports and plays. I am there to watch the moments he is proud. I am there when he is sad. I am there to dust him off when he falls. I am there to support him when he is standing tall. I will be there when he goes off on his own. I will be there when he brings that girl home I don't like. I will be there with a box of tissues on his wedding day. I will be there when he believes he isn't the perfect father. I will be there to remind him it is ok and he is a great father.

Today he may not realize it but I love him more than anything. Tomorrow he will learn I wasn't the evil troll who restricted his 10pm curfew and why I did it. Next week he will see the tears I shed, not because he was a bad child, but because I am so proud.

He will tell himself he will be a better parent than I but one day find himself doing the exact same things; saying the exact same things. For me that is the best compliment. For me its because he has learned why I did what I did and wants to pass that on.

He's almost home!

How can it be so hard to let your child go off to camp. I know it was compounded by the fact that my brothers and their wives took a last minute vacation so it seemed as though everyone was gone. He called the other day and as soon as he said hi I started to cry. I miss him so much. If I miss him now what will it be like in 3 yrs when he graduates high school and goes off to college or the military. He may decide to do neither but I have to let go sometime.

I have found several things to do this week business wise since I didn't have to worry about making lunch or worrying where he is. That is the one benefit to being a WAHM. You eventually have your child going off to school, social event, or simply outside to play giving you some quiet time for work.

My son comes home tomorrow and I am very excited. I plan to take him to lunch and spend the afternoon hearing all about his week. With Sunday being father's day tomorrow is my big chance to snag him. The hardest part of being a parent I think is the part where you let go. That time is coming closer and closer. Knowing you have done your best in raising him to be the best person he can be is not good enough. You have been taking care of them for so long its hard to think they don't need you to raise them. They still need you but it changes.

I can define it anyway I want but it is still letting go.

Away for camp

My son left for boy scout camp yesterday. That was hard. He has never been out of my control in 15yrs. If he has been on vacation without us it has been with my parents. This time he is off on his own. Its hard to let go especially being an only child. It had to happen sooner or later. I have to constantly remind myself he is not in his room playing games, he is not at home waiting for dinner when I am running errands late, he is not going to come running in and ask what I am doing. No friends over, no loud radio for me be upset that it is too loud. I kept thinking last night as a storm passed through that he didn't pack warm enough. While I was at the store picking up some snacks for hubby I kept think Phillip would like this. As I reached out to grab hold I remembered he wasn't home today and didn't need a snack. Was worried because he forgot my jacket and only had sweaters and sweatshirts. As we were leaving my mother's house late last night I kept wanting to call out to him to come downstairs and tell his grandparents good bye so we could leave. Just strange. He comes back Saturday so we will see how well I do after a week without. Anyone else go through child withdrawals?

Teachers make it diffcult for some WAHMs

I am finding my sons teachers do not understand the concept of a work at home mother. I cannot be the only one they have ever come across. The comment I get often is "since you are home all day...". What!? Yes I am physically home but that doesn't mean I can drop everything at any moment. I am a working mother just like those who work outside of the home.

This year seems to be especially difficult with many teachers as it is. My son has ADHD and as he enters puberty it almost amplifies the symptoms making it difficult to work with. Medication can only do so much and I will not over medicate so teachers do not have to accommodate his needs. This is where the comment comes in most the time. As if my being home all day will allow me to take him to school each day and go to every class.

I have never had so many teachers work against me in his moving forward in his studies and personal growth in his 10+ years of schooling. I believe some teachers feel (coming from various other comments) ADHD is something you grow out of by the teenage years and he should be able to better control himself. I am sorry but that is not the case. He is doing far better than I did in school at this age but I sometimes fear he won't be able to complete school in a regular setting with such resistance from teacher thinking old school that overactive, inattentive children have no self control and comes from bad parenting.

The other problem is teachers do not get the education they need to understand and work with such disorders. What about these children with autism? Yes many children with disorders are placed in special education but many are in inclusive classes. We all have the same goal. We just go about it differently. That goal is for our children to be at their best and get the education they deserve. Many other disorders get more exposure for what they go through and receive more accommodations, compassion, and understanding than my child who has a disorder as well. I too suffer from this disorder and every day I struggle to stay focused. I learned to adapt and most do not see what I go through.

Don't misunderstand. I am not saying mothers working outside of the mom need less support or children with other disorders should be ignored. I am just trying to wrap my head around the idea I am seen is a stay at home mother not a work at home mother and my child chooses not to control himself and stay focused and control impulses like other children.

We need ADHD awareness. It is real. It is highly misunderstood and greatly misdiagnosed. This is why we need the education and awareness. We need the funding for better research. We need the funding to better educate teachers, parents, health care providers. Where are our walks to raise awareness and donations. Where is the education so doctors are not passing on a prescription and sending us on our way. Where are the teachers that have been well taught.

There are great doctors out there. There are great teachers out there. There is just not enough. We had one up until about 4 yrs ago. His pediatrician was fabulous. He was well versed in childhood and adolescent ADHD. He worked with us. Never against. We had some great teachers in elementary school who understood and worked with him. He thrived. It wasn't until middle school (7th grade) and the loss of our doctor that he had since birth. Children with ADHD do not do well with too many changes. They like routine and habit. That is why they follow the same patterns over and over. Its what they know.

Now I just need to get next years teachers on board and hopefully squash the resistance we have felt for so long. He will be a 10th grader next school year, learning to drive, following with a job to start in the summer before 11th grade. Maybe I can finally get these teachers to understand I do work. I just happen to work from home. Maybe they will learn I have to schedule meetings just like everyone else. I can't always take their calls at anytime during non-emergencies. I can't do their job with just a phone call putting my child on the phone to tell him please just get through the class without her calling me again. And maybe I can keep teachers from punishing him for what he has no control over and using a zero as punishment. Until then I will campaign to change their thinking of WAHMs and ADHD.

They grow so fast

My one and only baby is 15 today. He is grown so much this past year especially the last 6 months. Not only is he taller than I am he is looking so grown. The hair above his lip is darkening, his voice is changing. He doesn't look like the boy I still see him as.

When you are with your children daily, you don't see the changes as clearly as others. Just suddenly one day you think my goodness you have grown. Sometimes it takes you back a bit when you suddenly realize they grew before your eyes and you didn't even notice. Doesn't make us a bad parent. We just want to harness those special years.

I think ahead to 1 year from now. In a year he will be driving, have a job, maybe a girlfriend. His 10th grade year will be coming to an end in 1 year and the decisions about his future will begin.

His time as my baby is coming to a close. In 3 years he will be a legal adult and ready to make decisions for himself. That day will come with great pride as well as great sadness. We spend 18 years teaching our children how to be the person they will one day become. We hope and pray we did all we could and hope not to look back in regret for what we were not able to do. We hope and pray they will understand why we said no to so many things. One day they will understand.